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» Weddings » WHAT IT MEANS TO SAY “I DO”WHAT IT MEANS TO SAY “I DO”
A divorced woman, a single man for whom marriage isn’t a priority, two newly weds, a gay man, and a woman preparing for her fairytale wedding tell Sundaycircle.com what it means to say “I do”
Mandy 26; Andre 29
Newly weds 
Our Ta’ Kana course was the scariest time of our relationship.
Mandy:
We got married when we had been together for four and a half years.
We met when we were 14 and went out for a week. I didn’t see him for 8 years but I used to smile whenever I heard his name. Eventually we got in touch over Hi-5 and began dating soon after.
A year and a half later he proposed. It was New Year’s Eve.
I’m a hopeless romantic. I always wanted to be married – I used to spend hours talking about it with my mother.
I believe there’s “the one” – I think everyone has a soul mate – even if you find him or her at 80.
I wanted marriage rather than cohabitation because I wanted to spend forever with Andre and I wanted God present. And maybe selfishly, I didn’t want someone to live with me without committing.
We moved in after marriage – but I do recommend living together first.
Looks are important – I can’t wake up to someone I’m not attracted to.
Andre inspires me – he believes in me and loves me for me – even with my flaws.
And he has a big heart – I always wanted a sensitive man.
Andre:
It wasn’t love at first sight. I was attracted to Mandy physically. Six months into the relationship it evolved into love.
I don’t see scope in settling for good enough. When you’re young you see marriage as part of a life progression – when you get older you realise there’s no age.
My advice? Take your time and make sure that person’s worth your while.
Do I believe in “the one?” I can’t see myself living with anyone other than Mandy. If I found someone after Mandy I would probably spend the rest of my life thinking about Mandy.
There has to be physical attraction – she has to have a nice ass (laughs)
Mandy is fun. It’s fun to be with her. And she stimulates me mentally. She was always herself – that’s really important. And she smiles with her eyes.
Our Ta’ Kana course was the scariest time of our relationship. We confronted each other on what we thought were minor issues – at one point we were about to break up.
They tell you 20% of couples who go through the Ta’ Kana course don’t get married.
It made us communicate. I think many marriages fail because people don’t do their homework beforehand
Once a week we have date night. I sent her a message inviting her to our next one. We still send each other sweet messages. It keeps the relationship alive.
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Michael*
25
Single, heterosexual
“If people grow up feeling that they have to get married it’s very sad. I know many people in a relationship of convenience – they tell me they can’t handle being single. I see it as a weakness. It makes you dependent and that means you can be taken advantage of.”
Marriage is a legal contract: an agreement between two consenting adults – it’s not sacred or socially necessary to me as it is perceived.
My parents are still together and happily married.
I can see that it requires a lot of sacrifices from both sides: career, financial, a change in priorities.
Most of the time women have to make many more sacrifices
Marriage isn’t a priority in my life.
It wouldn’t be an utter disappointment if I didn’t get married. For my parents? Probably – and perhaps people would look at me a little funnily – especially in an insular country like Malta – “Malta Kattolicissima”
The average age at my workplace is low and still most of my colleagues are married, engaged or in a long-term relationship heading for marriage. I’m almost the only guy on my floor who is single.
The family comments a little but it’s not a major issue. I think it’s a little more important for them because I’m an only child. I think it’s still much more expected from women.
I think you have to work to make monogamy work. From an evolutionary perspective, especially for a man. Women have a greater tendency to clutch onto a man – it’s how we’re wired.
If my wife had to earn more money than I do I would be happy. If you’ve got a problem with that you don’t really love the person. I don’t believe in the ‘I love you unless you do better than me.’
If someone I was planning to marry wanted to be a housewife it would be a deal breaker. If it was something that came up after marriage it would be a negotiating point.
It wouldn’t have to be paid employment… but I wouldn’t want a wife who only spoke about housework.
An emotional level playing field is very important in a relationship.
If both people feel unconditional love then it’s brilliant. The reality though is that more often than not one feels more strongly than the other. The “weaker” person could wind up in a miserable relationship.
If people grow up feeling that they have to get married it’s very sad.
I know many people in a relationship of convenience – they tell me they can’t handle being single. I see it as a weakness – makes you dependent – you can be taken advantage of.
The one? Logically there are a certain number of “ones.”
I’d want to be married if I had kids. There’s much more security and commitment in a marriage rather than cohabitation.
But the main problem with having kids arises if they’re unwanted – even within a marriage.
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Mario 
33
Single, gay
“Sometimes I feel we talk about marriage too much – neglecting other relationships which are also intimate. We shouldn’t forget those who don’t get chosen/ can’t get married. Marriage can be very exclusive.”
As a gay person marriage was a desire but for many years it didn’t seem possible.
Then seeing it legalized abroad – it becomes a real possibility – especially these past 5 years.
I hope to get married. If the right person comes along, why not? It’s a natural life path. It’s very natural for human beings to desire to be in a relationship.
In my 20s I wanted to explore, to travel, to meet people.
Now that I’m going to turn 34 – my psychological and human needs are different.
I’m more content – calmer in life and about life.
Marriage was more of a priority and panic-inducing in my 20s – now it’s a felt desire.
Some argue that we should extend the right of civil partnerships to gay people but not call it “marriage” – but the use of the word “marriage” is key.
I hope we can build bridges between the gay community and hierarchy.
For the church marriage is a very strong, important symbol. Saints in many ways are seen as women married to Jesus – many are described as experiencing visions of themselves as brides. When cloistered nuns take their vows – one of the steps is to wear a marriage gown.
The hierarchy has a lot to teach us about love and marriage – we shouldn’t dismiss it – but they shouldn’t dismiss the gay community.
I do believe in “the one” – as someone given by God – a soul mate.
The idea of “marriage” makes me think of doves – the Church’s symbol of faithfulness
I think many relationships fail because lots of people are seeking from relationships what they can only find in God. No human being can carry that weight
Sometimes I feel we talk too much about marriage – neglecting other relationships which are also intimate. We shouldn’t forget those who don’t get chosen or can’t get married.
Marriage can be very exclusive.
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Susanne*
60
Married twice, now divorced, heterosexual
After my second marriage I wasn’t ready to get serious again… I wouldn’t get into a relationship just to have someone there – I’m happier on my own. I don’t feel lonely
I married my first husband at 26. I hadn’t known him for very long, but it worked. He made me feel marriage was easy.
He travelled a lot but when he was home we always made time for each other – we’d bring out the candles, lay the table.
Even if one small thing bothered us we spoke about it. We were companions in many different ways.
Unfortunately he passed away a few years later.
I married again ten years later and had children. The marriage didn’t work out.
In retrospect, having been alone for a long time – I had become independent. He was the kind of man who wanted to look after me, to protect me.
There were other problems – but I think that might have been one.
I stayed in the marriage for a couple of years after I felt it wasn’t working. I think you need to give something a chance.
That didn’t change my view on marriage but after my second marriage I wasn’t ready to get serious again.
What women have that men don’t is their biological clock.
I have known women who reached an age where they wanted children but hadn’t found the right person so chose to have a baby with a friend – someone they trusted.
It’s not a decision to take lightly – you have to think of the child.
I wouldn’t get into a relationship just to have someone there – I’m happier on my own. I don’t feel lonely
When I hear the word “marriage” I think food on the table and laughter
I never was for marriage with the white dress etc. My first wedding was a lunch at home with a few friends – I was happy.
A soul mate is someone you can live the day-to-day life with and still have those pockets of magic – someone you can be in a room full of people with – look at and smile.
I think it’s possible to have different soul mates – but they’re not always easy to find.
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Enrique
24
Preparing for Maltese wedding to American partner Kelvin
“In the middle of an ordinary life love gives us a fairytale”
I met Kelvin when I was on an exchange in America a few years back. We were just friends back then.
I had a boyfriend and he was joining the Marines.
Earlier last year we got back in touch.
When he was in Africa we Skyped, when he was on ship he used to email – he was usually allowed access to the internet for 20 minutes.
There were times when there was no contact whatsoever – a situation known as “River City” – where all communication with the outside world is cut off (marines can receive emails but cannot send any out themselves).
Because I wasn’t his wife or mother I wasn’t notified when communication would be back on or the reason why it was shut off.
And because I didn’t know any marines’ wives I couldn’t get news from them.
So it was hard, but for seven months we kept communicating. You really fall in love with a person’s character.
We were both single at this point and the relationship grew.
The plan to re-visit America was already there I just changed it a little: from three weeks to three months – which also meant rejecting a great job offer in London.
When I returned to America I met Kelvin’s family before meeting him! I spent a day with them – they were really nice and welcoming.
I went to his homecoming – it was an amazing event.
It was as though we were dating the whole time he was on the ship – but not for the whole world – just for us. The minute he got off the ship we made it official.
He proposed on the 26th November
It all felt right. When you know – you know.
I’m a hopeless romantic. I was the kind who spent endless girls’ nights discussing fairytale weddings and dresses.
He also strongly believes in marriage, I like that about him.
To me marriage is a lifetime commitment – and the wedding’s about celebrating that with your family and friends.
I once came across the quote “In the middle of an ordinary life love gives us a fairytale” – It’s become mine and Kelvin’s motto.
I love Kelvin’s sincerity and kindness – but there’s so much more.
Nothing’s ever felt so right.
*Names have been changed
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Posted by Louisa Bartolo on January 19, 2012. Filed under Weddings.
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